the human experience.
i just watched a documentary on netflix called the human experience. thanks to my friend rob my eyes have been opened to the great value of documentaries. don't get me wrong, i enjoy a good harry potter movie as much as the next guy (or girl), but a film that investigates a particular subject in depth and how the subject is experienced in life really gets me going. in this film, a young man and his brother set out to experience what life is like in other people's shoes. they live homeless on the streets of ny. they care for disabled children in peru. they meet with lepers in africa. and they reflect on their own life experiences growing up in brooklyn. seeing all the different cultures and people around the world gave me a desire to go see it for myself. i feel like i have forgotten that people speak other languages besides english and spanish. that there are people who actually, literally don't have homes. there are people who suffer from starvation and lost limbs and segregation. 


love.
as a theatre major in college, i often heard about and talked about "the human experience." the things that each of us have in common naturally. one of the religious leaders that was taped said something very interesting about suffering, something that we each face in some capacity. he said something about jesus christ and how on the cross there was a meeting, a meshing of suffering and love. that idea struck me powerfully. his suffering made his love more complete. his love would have been "less than" had he not suffered because the nature of love is to give something of yourself for the good of someone else. and what greater thing could one give to another but his own flesh and his very life? in this way, suffering can be seen as a good. the highest form of love involves suffering because it is selfless. this makes me think of the verse that says there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.


value.
another thing this film did to me was attack my pride full force. i have always wanted to be someone who is known for doing great things. i crave competition, and love to win. at anything. at everything. and since i have graduated i have constantly thought about all the great things i have to get done to feel like i've lived a worthwhile life in the end. i constantly look at other people's lives and think "i can do better than that." "i can make more money than that." "i can be a better person than that person." "i matter more." i have at least sub-conciously, if not conciously, belittled anyone who is "less than" me. homeless people. people who are less intelligent than me. people who are not morally picture-perfect. people who work at walmart or heb. and even people of different races. just because. watching this film made me more aware of all the complications that are involved in life. it made me consider the fact that every living person is a brother or sister of mine, and what life might be like if i thought about them in that way. every person is of value just because they exist. just because they breathe and have life. it is both convicting and comforting to understand that other people and i are all great and valuable and loveable no matter our circumstances, good or bad. 

what a gem.

i found this while deleting old files from my computer today. this is a letter that i had to write from my freshman self to my graduated self. i'm so glad i found it at this point in time! enjoy.

Dear Carissa,

            I hope you are satisfied with the use you’ve made of your time here at Baylor University. You didn’t really start out with a clear idea of what you wanted to accomplish, that’s for sure. I’d consider you successful if you’re graduating with any degree from this school and if you’re sure you’ve made the most out of every opportunity you’ve decided to pursue. I’m a freshman and can already see the amazing opportunities that lie ahead and all the wonderful people who will have a positive influence on you in the next four years. Getting used to college life is a lot more difficult than I expected, and time management is a bit of an issue at the moment. But I hope that once I master that skill I’ll be able to make the most effective use of my time here. I don’t want to waste a penny.

            Everyone keeps reminding me that college will be the best part of my life, and I hope it has been for you. I’m sure it has been. A boy in my University 1000 class the other day said that one of his professors told him, “Don’t play too much, and don’t study too much.” I hope you have done just that. I didn’t come to college to merely make good grades and absorb all the knowledge I can, though that is the main idea. I also came to discover who I am and what I can do for this world, what impact I can have with the knowledge I will have gained. You have the tools you need to do just that at this point. Go.

                                                                                                            Yours Truly,

                                                                                                            Carissa 

some words.

showdown.

vs.
today was my callback. when i arrived at the theatre i discovered that there were only two women called back for the one role available in the show. kristen. and me. as soon as i got my sides i went to sit down with her to wait. while talking, i discovered that she just came back from NY after being up there for a couple of years. i figured she has more experience than me. at least a couple shows, if not more. that made me shake in my boots a little. we each read six sides. funny story. today was the first time in my life that someone has given me the note that i was being "too filmic." that was hysterical. i think it had to do with the fact that i was a really small theatre and we were acting for one person. anyways. i'm less confident in my audition today than i was last week. i was missing energy. and i felt like i had to really fight for presence because i was onstage with four to five big-voiced grown men for most of the sides. but time will tell. we'll receive calls on wednesday. here's hoping for the best.


ny
still hoping i don't screw this thing up. 

song of the day

beautiful day in the neighborhood.

styx.
not much to say about today. i woke up late and did a lot of unpacking and reorganizing in my room. i like it when my things are where they're supposed to be. i went to the historical park tonight with our family friends, the turners, and we watched the styx perform there. i surprisingly liked them. i'm gonna check out there music. also gonna look up some pink floyd. i think my bias against classic rock is disappearing. so that's interesting. 


broadway.
i'm also looking at going to see my first broadway shows when i go to new york in a week or so! i'm stuck between war horse, the lion king, sleep no more, and wicked. i'm limiting myself to two. which is hard. cause who knows when i'm gonna be back? i've always wanted to see lion king. but wicked's a must see. eveyone's seen wicked. but war horse is supposed to be awesome and i'm enamored with the idea of those big horse puppets. but i've heard amazing stories from my friends and fellow theatre grads josh and sarah about sleep no more! wah! how do i choose? we'll see. i'll sleep on it.


callback.
tomorrow is my callback for around the world in 80 days! it's been a week since i've auditioned. i was supposed to re-read the script and work on my indian accent today, but didn't get around to it. i'll probably do that now. hoping and wishing for the best! i would love to make some money!


cheers.

blackbird fly.

hey.

my name is carissa jade and this is a blog about my post-graduate life. i never have been able to finish a journal, so i thought i'd try a blog instead. it has no end. this blog arises out of a personal need to chronicle what i consider "successes" in my life. i graduated from baylor university with a fine arts degree in theatre performance in may. when i came back home, i realized that i would have to define what "success" means for me, especially because the field of work I have chosen to pursue (at least for a time) is not where you make loads of money. and money will not be a measure of success for me.

just do it.

right now, i am finding a lot of success in having resolve. resolve is the firm determination to do something. after a week of lying around the house and settling back in at home, i found an audition online that didn't involve singing and was age-appropriate (hallelujah!). stage west is doing around the world in 80 days. the hardest thing for me was deciding to go. i had a lot of thoughts running through my head. am i really going to pursue acting when i could be making more money doing something else? if i start now, will i be able to change career directions easily? what if i go and realize that i'm not as good as i thought i was? do i really have enough experience? but among these questions was a deep need to get moving. to do something. to go. to take action. so somehow, i went. the audition itself was actually quite fun. i got to read twice for the one female role in the show. and yesterday i received the callback i was hoping for. success.

fake it till you make it.

in addition to this, my friend meg posted something about one of her friends needing a stage manager in new york. as soon as i saw that on facebook, i thought to myself: oh, that's in new york, too bad. but a day passed and i saw the post again and thought: wait! why the heck not? i'm unemployed and have a little bit of spare change. and i'm probably not qualified, but i'll take a stab at it. so i did. i texted meg, she sent an email, and a day later, i had the job! in a week and a half i will be going to new york for the first time in my life to stage manage a staged reading. how many people can say they did that in their lifetime? i will be able to. success.

laugh at the future.

i hope to experience many, many people, places, and things in my life. in order to do that, i have to go toe to toe with my own fear every. single. day. the fear of rejection. the fear of getting too far out of my comfort zone. the fear of being poor. the fear of sliding into a life of routine. and i am always ready for a challenge. college will not be the best years of my life. i'm about to create them. so here's to the future. let's laugh in it's face.

...and now a song.

blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these broken wings and learn to fly

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these sunken eyes and learn to see

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird fly blackbird fly

into the light of the dark black night

blackbird fly blackbird fly

into the light of the dark black night

blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these broken wings and learn to fly

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to arise

you were only waiting for this moment to arise

you were only waiting for this moment to arise